Public Displays of Affection
Rants

Behold, our first reader-submitted entry. Special thanks to Yossarian for setting a good example for everyone else. He even included images with his rant, holy crap.

Attention dipshits with girlfriends (yes, I mean you): here's a common sense guide to Public Displays of Affection, since you don't seem to have any common sense.

A couple days ago, I was riding UCSD's city shuttle to UTC. It was my first time since I normally take the city bus to get to campus. Sitting next to me was an odd looking couple: a pretty good-looking girl with a not-so-hot guy. Strange how things work out. After a couple stops, I glance over and see the guy smothering himself in the girl's lap. If that wasn't bad enough, he would occasionally lift his head up to kiss the girl on the lips or mutter something stupid like, "Oh baby I love you." Hey jackass, you're in college. You have your own goddamn apartment. How about taking that sappy, pathetic shit out of public view? I felt bad for the girl because she seemed to enjoy it about as much as I did.

If that wasn't bad enough, I had an even worse experience. Two days ago, I was riding the city bus to school minding my own business. Across from me sat an old couple, and right before my eyes, I saw the woman place her hand on the man's leg and they started to make out. Yes, I could hear their lips smacking against each other. She even began to rub his leg up and down. Seeing old people making out is just plain disgusting. The couple was so tasteless that the man proudly wore a cheesy two-dollar coonskin cap. [Ed. note: a fucking coonskin cap?]

In light of recent events, I have decided to write this guide for all you morons who can't grasp the idea of common courtesy. More importantly, I want to save as many eyeballs as possible from the gouging I inflicted upon my own.

Don'ts:

  • Refrain from kissing in public. If you're ugly, consider this a warning: I will punch you in the face.
  • Never make out in public. I hate walking around and accidentally seeing tongues flying everywhere. Even if you are not ugly, I will still punch you in the face. By the way, your life is not a movie. The whole world doesn't disappear when you are locked into the arms of your soul mate, or whatever bullshit you believe.
  • Hugging from the back is stupid. Hey dumbass, we know why you're pressed against your girlfriend's back. Do you seriously think nobody else knows what's going on? Idiot.
  • If your girlfriend says you need to show more affection in public and you cave into the pressure, grow some balls. Remember the mantra: don't fall into peer pressure, even if it's your girlfriend.

Dos:

  • Holding hands is considered okay. Even though it is lame, holding hands is preferred over kissing.
  • A quick peck is okay. The quicker, the better.
  • All the suggestions under "Don'ts" do not apply to lesbians. In fact, all forms of affection between two girls are highly encouraged, even if they are heterosexual. Girls, feel free to kiss other girls, or hell, make out with them if you feel up to it. Let your heart (or BAC) guide you.
dos_donts_not_okay.gif  dos_donts_okay.gif
Nom de Guerre, Oct 21 2004, 12:31 AM
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