According to UCSD News, actor Ricardo Chavira, who plays the role of "Carlos Solis" on the popular show Desperate Housewives, will speak to the graduates of Earl Warren College. Berkeley got Warren Beatty and we get some bad actor that no one has heard of. I'm sure he will have plenty of intelligent advice for all of us.

Robin Marie Averbeck did us the favor of advertising our site in yesterday's Guardian despite the fact that we have been mostly silent for the past several weeks. Unfortunately, Robin did us all a disservice when she took a surplus of smarmy introspection and clumsily applied it to an entire burgeoning medium.

To call you a "dedicated blogger," Robin, would be to equate a finger-painting kindergartener with Van Gogh. Although your vacuous, juvenile, oft-aborted blogs (examples one, two, and three) are brimming with the self-absorption you describe, you do not have the right nor experience to paint anyone else with the same brush.

Please review the two entries directly preceding this one. By ignoring our earnest efforts to inform the student body of relevant, attention-deserving events, your commentary immediately loses all credibility and any hope of professionalism. (Although, in your defense, anyone still reading your columns at this point in the year must already anticipate as much.) Your column is so shallow and uninformed that as I compose this brief diatribe I fear re-reading it lest my mind erode with every passing word.

Vitriol will always find a venue (visit any bathroom stall in Geisel), and blogs have never been limited to the emo or nerdy (the mere fact that these words find their way into your sputum-cum-analysis makes me cringe). Additionally, there are far richer wells of embittered exclamations for you to decry: the newly-formed LiveJournal community UCSanDiego began an entertaining and anarchistic confessions thread so successful that we received several email notices of its existence within 24 hours of its creation. Your ill-conceived, confused protest of YouCSD would be right at home there, Robin.

As I type this there's a small yet determined group of religious fundamentalists on Library Walk. Two of them are holding aloft a slipshod laminated banner proclaiming homosexuality to be a sin – these are the guys that everybody is yelling at. The poor folks who were left with the over-dramatic pictures of aborted fetuses sitting on American currency were being ignored, half-heartedly trying to engage passerby in "discussions" of abortion even though their debate tactics consist of "hay guys look at this gross picture!" I didn't have the heart to tell them that they air open-heart surgery and shit on television now, and that gross pictures do not an argument make. They seemed proud of their little posterboard aborted fetus craft projects, and I didn't want to take that away from them.

Anyway, the abortion people getting ignored is understandable. I mean, the anti-homosexuality idiots had hot and angry guys making out in front of them, and there's nothing that Americans surreptitiously enjoy more than homoeroticism. The banner itself has a bunch of references to various biblical laws, with the time-honored favorite of Leviticus 18:22 being the first. I've always found it cute how these people will yell about one old testament law until they're blue in the face while at the same time ignoring and violating a law that lives only a few lines away.

By the time I left, a group of passing students had formed a human wall in front of the banner while one of the fundies was yelling about wanting to vomit. I hear, though, that they make medication for nausea and stuff now. Maybe he should look into that.

(If anybody has pictures, send them in. My camera wasn't on me, and Cingular's picture phone service might as well be run by diseased carrier pigeon.)

Daniel Watts dropped us a line in response to our last post. Apparently, he thinks that his plans are feasible, and he has a budget drawn out to prove it. So we took a look at it. In short, it's not feasible. To be more specific, certain parts are delusional, bordering on insanity. Plus, they don't provide it in excel format, so you have to crunch the numbers manually. Here are a few problems we noticed:

• Watts' budget (we prefer to call it a psychotic episode on paper) assumes a whopping $58,750 will be acquired through sponsorships. $25,000 for Sungod, $25,000 for 'Son of Sun God,' and $8,750 for student services. Sure, sponsorships are a great idea, but this number is outlandish, and it is irresponsible to allocate money that isn't there yet. Watts might say that the money is highly likely to come through, but based on historical experience, it's a long shot. For someone who is trying to drive their campaign on the dubious strength of this budget, trying to sneak by such a misstep should be indicator enough that this slate will do anything to win a few votes. Counting on sponsorship money, especially an amount this high, is like trashing your house and burning all your possessions because you bought a lottery ticket which you're totally definitely sure will pay off.
  
  
• Watts wants to get rid of one of two A.S. graphic designers, incredulously asking why on earth they would need two. Simple—they both work part time. These designers handle ALL of A.S.'s design needs—posters, flyers, logos—and there's a lot. We could fire one, but we would need to hire the other full time. Net savings = $0.00.
  
  
• Watts wants to get rid of A.S. stipends entirely. Let's ignore most of these stipends and concentrate on the fact that the executive and commissioner positions are demanding enough to preclude any other sort of job. Those of us who need to work to get through college wouldn't be able to serve. We shouldn't have to point out that this is asinine.
  
  
• Let's not forget that Tammie Nguyen, the Sungod Party's candidate for Commissioner of Programming, whose headiest experience includes not one but two Warren semi-formals (we're chuckling here), far and away lacks the experience to follow through with her slate's ludicrous pipe dreams regarding a second Sungod Festival.

The entire slate's platform seems to be "Let's fuck up the budget so we can have another spring music festival which may or may not suck ass." It was obvious enough to us from the beginning that Watts and his mindless cohorts were in this to grab votes by any means possible, but a few sentences of analysis should illustrate well enough for everyone else how craven and irresponsible this campaign really is.

We threw around the idea making our stance "Anyone But Watts!" But that's loser talk. Stay tuned for our official endorsements.

Co-authored with Nom de Guerre and Barrister X.

The 2005 A.S. election candidate statements have been released, and the Presidential entries are a real fistful. First, read the statements. Here are our impressions:

Daniel Watts: Not one item on this statement is truthful or feasible. A second Sun God? This is doomed. Turn the B spots into S spots? Awesome, and while we're at it we'll turn Galbraith Hall into a Raging Waters. Seriously, Watts just oozes insincerity, from his pizza-everyday promises to his Green Party affiliation (he's a conservative). Oh, and he looks like a rat.

Kevin Hanson: Curiously, a vote for Revolution! seems to be a vote for the status quo. Hanson is the candidate least likely to affect change, but that might not necessarily be a bad thing. This statement screams politician and Hanson certainly is one. Why is he running? Because he can win.

Christopher Sweeten: We like Sweeten's stances best, but everything about his campaign is wrong. For starters, "Student Empowerment!" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. And where are his gigantic bubble letters? The five 8.5" x 11" flyers at Roma don't really pack the same punch. Still, Sweeten calls his goals "realistic," and we tend to agree. But if he wants a realistic chance of winning, his campaign needs to shape up in a hurry. Can't he call those retired Students First! architects? Sure, they got themselves disqualified occasionally, but they got the votes for the slate. Oh wait, Jenn Brown is working in D.C., Kevin Hsu is studying at Georgetown, and Harish Nandagopal is drinking at Round Table.

Keshav Boddula: This is, far and away, the worst-written statement we have ever seen. From the unfortunate mismash of verb tenses in his first sentence, we're guessing that "Kiki" scrawled it down during one of his philosophy lectures. Of course, he is the only candidate claiming to "recognize and utilize reason via logic." Can someone tell us what this kid is trying to do?

Vote next week on Studentlink.

I picked up a copy of the New Frontier yesterday. It made me sad. The New Frontier, if you didn't know, is the new liberal newspaper entering the print spectrum opposite the (comically) conservative California Review. Calling it the Yin to the California Review's Yang makes even more sense because they're both so amateur. Someone gave Adobe PageMaker to a couple clans of warring six-year-olds and the result we face now is more garbage strewn across campus. I blame the California Review for setting the bar so goddamn low.

Plus, all those stupid, color-coded bracelets suck. I hope those things make you all sterile. Tools.

I know most of you don't give a shit about AS elections, but this is pretty annoying. Kevin Hanson, this years VP Finance and ex-Frat President, has put together a frat slate to run in this year's AS Election. His exec board (VP Internal, VP External, VP Finance, and VP Academic Affairs) is all people from within the Greek system. Also, Kevin and the three other males on his exec board are Pikes (sounds like a good way to get all the other frats to vote for other people).

We recieved a vague e-mail, from who we think is one of them, with the names of the people who are running for the exec positions on Kevin's slate. He says

"There have been rumors about this being an exec-only slate, meaning no commissioners or senators."

What the fuck does "There have been rumors" mean anyway?!? You are running on the fucking slate! You know whether you are running Commissioners or Senators. I'm guessing you are a fucking liar.

But the best part of all of this is that these people have chosen to call themselves REVOLUTION. Hahahahahahaha. What fucking revolution?!?! That is pretty arrogant. Just because you assembled a group of people from the same frat does not qualify for a revoltion. If any of you guys are reading this please get back to us with your big plan to revolutionize our campus, I'm sure it will be pretty amusing... Mandatory gym hours for everyone? Do we all get to drug and fuck freshmen down in Mexico? But seriously, frats are the minority of this campus, they don't deserve to control our money.

UCSD's Outback Adventures were out peddling their shit on Library Walk yesterday, and I snapped the adjacent photo of the tents they rent out for $8 per night.

Here's a brief public service announcement:
There are only two reasons most college students go camping: drinking and fucking. Any young adult who appreciates nature enough to go enjoy it sans 151 or unprotected sex in the dirt is probably the type to bring their own goddamn tent. I promise.

As far as I'm concerned, spending a night in one of those tents is roughly equivalent to a night in a motel that rents by the hour adjacent to SDSU. There's no way in hell I'm paying $8 to wake up in the morning with my hair caked in jizz and vomit—unless it's my own, of course.

There, now imagine a sparkly little shooting star sliding into place above my head along with the words The More You Know.

After living on campus for some time, I heard a great deal of horror stories about people caught filesharing on the campus I-2 connection. "The MPAA/RIAA caught X!" would be exclaimed, and people would sob and quake in their boots. Well, I'm here to tell you pussies so afraid of big old Resnet and the RIAA that there's nothing to fear. You heard me right. Even with suprnova closing (mostly due to the MPAA), there are plenty of safe and quick ways to get those files you need like the electronic cocaine that it is to you people.

As usual, there was a line snaking out of the Registrar's office towards the sidewalk. People were jockeying for position while a small group of first-years stood to the side, clutching their add cards and trying to figure out if they were even at the right building. I spent about ten minutes waiting, which would have been more than reasonable if not for the fact that three out of five students didn't bother to complete their fucking add/drop cards. Almost everybody there had to be turned away for either missing the instructor's signature, or neglecting to have had the appropriate department stamp the card. I'd think those would be the first things they'd try – otherwise, what the hell's the point of using the card?

Either I'm getting crotchety in my old age or I'm just expecting too much of people.

How do you know when a girl is the type to have skidmarks in her drawers?

Answer: She's wearing Oakleys. Intuitively you know this is true.

We thought it was crazy when the Guardian put YouCSD on the front page, but they have taken it to another level of stupidity this time. Today's Guardian reports that Panda Express has "replaced their chicken-based sauce with a vegetarian-based one." This is their headlining (above the fold with a picture!!!) story of the day! Thanks for letting us know but seriously, is there nothing more important going on at UCSD?!? An article on the increase of sexual assaults on campus came in third place behind Panda Express article and the some article about how AS council is becoming more useless than it already is. Can someone please tell the Guardian editors to get their heads out of their asses and stop embarassing us all the time? I am tired of people coming to campus and laughing about how bad our newspaper is. It's really starting to make UCSD look worse than it already is.

I always get irritable and skittish during rush season. Something about the roving packs of aggressive sorority girls gliding across campus puts me in a primeval mindset. I'll round a corner and see 50 trust fund babies practicing pantomiming greek letters and all of a sudden the Fight or Flight instinct comes on so strong my eyes bulge.

Something that possibly resembles a photo essay after the jump, if photo essays could be assembled by autistic eight-year-olds.

Behold, our first reader-submitted entry. Special thanks to Yossarian for setting a good example for everyone else. He even included images with his rant, holy crap.

Attention dipshits with girlfriends (yes, I mean you): here's a common sense guide to Public Displays of Affection, since you don't seem to have any common sense.

So.

A handful of acquaintances started a blog and somehow the Guardian gave us so much credit that we became the focus of an op/ed piece written by the paper's own Opinion Editor.

This site's legitimacy, now out of our hands, snowballed from there.

Once a wide enough audience had seen YouCSD.com, complaints were numerous enough that the administration thought best to shut us down, and attempted to do so with scare tactics channeled through Ann Parode. Being bull-headed and idealistic, we decided to stand our ground.

By this time, enough Guardian staffers—Vladimir Kogan, Bryan Tsao and Brian Uiga, to be precise—were so fascinated by us that our continuing spat with Parode became the biggest story of that Thursday's newspaper. The unwarranted snowball grew rapidly. The next Monday, the Opinion section unfurled probably the most inane Pro/Con editorial the student body shall see all year.

New issues of The California Review have been seen scattered about campus, and it seems that the editors have made the bold decision to abandon the newspaper thing they'd been working with in favor of the edgy and hip Microsoft Word and Kinko's aesthetic. I'm especially fond of the gratuitous "holy crap we can print in color" gradient backgrounds. They positively scream legitimacy. Why, with only a few more pictures of American flags and reviews of expensive cars forever out of reach due to crippling student loans exacerbated by draconian budget cuts, the California Review may just set a new standard for, well, whatever it is they're trying to do.

As if the diarrhea-inducing food wasn't a big enough "fuck you," small, conspicuous security cameras have sprouted from the walls of UCSD's dining commons since last spring. Worst of all, the new surveillance equipment is accompanied by signs with such cheerful phrases as "For your protection, videotaping is in progress." Since when has a video camera in a cafeteria been for any patron's protection? I'd rather see "protective" cameras on the loading dock recording the boxes of Grade D meat as they go rancid in the warm air.

There was a reason Orwell wrote 1984, but it looks to me like the irony of this double-speak has been lost on our dorm-dwelling students. It should be obvious enough that the cameras are to make sure patrons aren't eating food without paying for it, but I get hungry and don't like to wait, damnit. If they want to arrest me for munching on my curly fries before I pay, so be it. I dare them to try.

Larger photos after the jump.

It's YouCSD, not YOUcsd.

With that out of the way, I'll now wade my way through the remainder of Tsao's meandering, perfunctory article. At the lowest level, I appreciate the small spats of compliments he offers, and am especially pleased that Tsao noted "it’s a very easy read and the layout is superb." (Perhaps the Guardian web master would like us to email him some helpful pointers.) Most of all, however, I value the exposure. As the saying goes, there's no such thing as bad publicity. Hopefully many of you arriving here by way of the Guardian will become regular visitors.

The central failure of Tsao's opinion—and keep in mind that it is just that, an opinion—is that he Just Doesn't Get It. Yes, capitalized, like a title. A label. Mr. Tsao has so tightly wrapped himself in the soft, uterine blanket of tolerance that he's slipped into the same stupor as the rest of the voiceless, placated student body. Somehow, the Opinion Editor has decided that the only opinion we should all have is that opinions are overrated. Tolerance is one thing, defending an idiot man-child who enjoyed a concert because his friend sexually harassed several women (and thought he was high the whole time) is another.

Click that little link below that says "read more."

One really has to admire the lengths to which the university will go to to provide the new students with the expected college atmosphere – overtly hip music blaring out of low-quality speakers, free food, get togethers and events sprinkled liberally throughout campus. I'm going to miss all of the activity when everybody finally holes up in their rooms only to emerge ten weeks later, blinking into harsh and unfamiliar sunlight.

Anything that lets us lust after the hotties in our classes without getting out of bed is fine by us, so thefacebook.com is pretty awesome. And it's way more efficient than stalking people over AIM, because when you stalk people over thefacebook it's "browsing my network" and "poking people" and the like, which sound all benign and cute.

So the site would be cool beyond belief if UCSD students weren't so obviously and completely idiotic and cliché little douchebags. Every few months I'm like "Cool, I'll check out my schoolmates on this site and hopefully I'll find a cute guy who's up for 'Random Play,' because that's really what I need out of life," but I never last more than two minutes before breaking down crying because UCSDers can't even have an online presence without fucking it up.

Take the girl above, who is such a tool that viewing her user picture alone is enough to send any sane person into a spiral of rage and despair. Her hat alone made it necessary for me to go to, like, three extra hours of therapy. The worst part is that she, and most other skanky-ass cliché cockteases on thefacebook, think they're hot shit even though they have no personality and can't do anything useful, like cook or give a decent blowjob.

So, to the douchebag at the right, and everyone else on thefacebook: think real hard before you post a profile just to say you're a Comm major who likes watching Friends, listening to fucking Jack Johnson, and skulking around at Campus Crusade for Christ meetings. Or, better yet, don't post a profile at all and go get a fucking personality. And a hat that's not disgustingly terrible.

YouCSD.com

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